“Hold fast to dreams”
A few summers ago, I worked out at this camp in the middle of Texas. Hotter than 3 hells and a few hundred saunas (sound familiar?) there was this great Arts and Crafts teacher. She also moonlighted as a therapist for all of the counselors. We would modge podge or paint our feelings as Karen piled her bleach blonde hair on her head and carved some wood. She is a fascinating woman because she had a deep well of creativity that never seemed to run dry, but then would offer you tea at her trailer.
Before I left, she handed me a water-colored painting of this tree. I was really in a tree phase at the time, as well as sparrows. Basically everything I created involved one or the two. But who are we kidding, is that surprising?
The tree has a drastic darkness and sharp edges that pierce the soft hues of purple and pink around it. But, from one low jagged branch blooms a heart. It fought through the rigid lines and dripped out. Right below it reads the phrase,
“Hold fast to dreams”
At the time, the phrase didn’t mean as much as the tree did. I felt like I was represented somehow in the painting, that my drastic edges could somehow become soft and bear some fruit.
Or some other over analytical crap like that.
Since then, I have been through a relationship or two, had some adventures, been liberated, been constrained, graduated college, got a job, grew up a little….and now that painting is in my classroom.
If you would have told me a year a go that I would be teaching at a middle school in Houston, TX-I may have guffawed a little bit.
Guffaw is like the pretentious way of saying, “shut the eff up”.
I was really into ‘guffawing’ then.
If you would have told me I’d be living with my parents-guffaw.
Sharing a room with my siblings?-guffaw
Not yet famous?-guffaw
Single?-guffaw
You get it. Lots of guffawing.
What’s weird is, I am actually doing just fine. In fact-I’m enjoying it.
That’s when I probably would of said, “Shut the EFF up”.
Needless to say, my dreams a year a go may have been a different kind of fruit. They still came from me, from my branches, and yet I don’t really have that fruit any more.
I think I finally understand what that phrase means. It isn’t just holding on to what you think you SHOULD be doing, or SHOULD be desiring, it’s that you are just hoping. You have desires and passions, so hold fast to the fact that you have some. I always struggle with the fear of not fulling something I’m passionate about. I get worried that I will get tied down to one thing and never explore another.
What if I’m not doing what I’m supposed to?
Am I supposed to pursue this?
But I really like THIS!
Am I complete?
Is this right?
That is absolutely exhausting.
Why does it always have to do with what I’m doing, not who I’m becoming?
I saw the painting in my class today, and as I was struggling with these thoughts a fog lifted.
I change, therefore so do my dreams.
I don’t say this to divert you from what you love, or even discourage you. But,I believe all the dreams and desires I have will be fulfilled -I just don’t know what that looks like. One day I’m going to change again, and my dreams and desires will shift with it. And that’s OKAY.
Right now, my dream is to love kids and use theater to do it.
I’m holding fast to that.
But I also know I have other facets of who I am that have dreams too.
And I’m holding fast to that.
If God is limitless, than my life should be limitless.
I’m holding fast to that.
The heart of my jagged tree will change, but I will still be that tree. Just the fruit will be different.
And you know what? It may be better. And I’m holding fast to that.
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